Humor Quotes

I asked many friends if Australian anti-intellectualism was still a living force and they all told me it was. If you are above average intelligence, hide this embarrassing fact.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Another day gone and no jokes.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead.

When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?

Hermits have no peer pressure.

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want for nothing. He makes me lie down in the green pastures. He greases up my head with oil. He gives me kung-fu in the face of my enemies. Amen

A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.

Just the way it never rains when you have an umbrella, you'll never run into people if you look fantastic. But go outside in pajamas, and you'll run into every ex you have.

I will describe my eyes and then begin the story. My eyes are blue and resplendent. Now I will begin the story.

Snoring keeps the monsters away.

How ghastly for her, people actually thinking, with their brains, and right next door. Oh, the travesty of it all.

Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.

At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

It is one of those lessons that every child should learn: Don't play with fire, sharp objects, or ancient artifacts.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Helloooo? I just made some changes in my life, and if I don't get back to you as soon as possible, then guess what? You were one of those changes.

We're going to knock those demons out and slay them with the power of Jesus. Hallelujah, can I get an amen?- Timmie

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

No one in the world gets what they want and that is beautiful.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense

If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

Bring it, Darth Bathrobe!

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for not going to church on Sunday.

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.

A closed mouth catches no flies.

Good humor is one of the preservatives of our peace and tranquility.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I’d said it before and meant it: Alive or undead, the love of my life was a badass.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

Humor [in a scene] is not jokes. It is that attitude toward being alive without which you would long ago have jumped off the 59th Street Bridge.

Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and answer to, all of life's problems.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.