Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.
I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.
A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.
I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.