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Mitch Hedberg Quotes

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Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it."

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.




Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards."

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.




Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first."

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles."

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.




Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything.""

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."




Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun."

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle."

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential."

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up."

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I remixed a remix, it was back to normal."

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps"

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist."

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty."

This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off."

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage."

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time."

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!"

Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?"

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef."

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes."

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs."

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me."

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock.""

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was."

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread."

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat."

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!""

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same."

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close."

I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly."

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.