Frankie Boyle Quotes
For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.
Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.
As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.
Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!
Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!
In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.
My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.
I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.
The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?
Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?
The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.
The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.
Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.
When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack.
The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.
Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.
If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.
Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.
The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.
It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.
Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.
I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.
I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative: aye right.
RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they've launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.
Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.
I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records.
That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.
Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I'm surprised she hasn't joined them!
They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.
Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'.
For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)
