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Groucho Marx Quotes

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Groucho Marx Quotes: "If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you."

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.




Groucho Marx Quotes: "Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.




Groucho Marx Quotes: "A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.




Groucho Marx Quotes: "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana"

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana




Groucho Marx Quotes: "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot."

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are."

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light."

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.




Groucho Marx Quotes: "Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "Room service? Send up a larger room."

Room service? Send up a larger room.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery."

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan."

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out."

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open."

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs"

My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs



Groucho Marx Quotes: "I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal."

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man."

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say."

Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first."

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'



Groucho Marx Quotes: "A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?



Groucho Marx Quotes: "I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women."

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor."

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house."

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any."

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself."

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "I intend to live forever, or die trying."

I intend to live forever, or die trying.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!"

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!



Groucho Marx Quotes: "Women should be obscene, not heard."

Women should be obscene, not heard.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "Patience is the art of finding something else to do."

Patience is the art of finding something else to do.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere."

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "Marriage is the chief cause of divorce."

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you"

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you



Groucho Marx Quotes: "I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed."

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.



Groucho Marx Quotes: "I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home."

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.