Fred Allen Quotes

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

I have just returned from Boston it is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.

It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

a group of people who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

She used to be a schoolteacher but she has no class now.

The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children - except in self-defense.

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get except the blinding headaches.

The first Sunday I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

(A gentleman) is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

All I know about humour is that I don't know anything about it.

California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange.