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Emo Philips Quotes

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Emo Philips Quotes: "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.




Emo Philips Quotes: "When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.




Emo Philips Quotes: "My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing."

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.



Emo Philips Quotes: "I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.




Emo Philips Quotes: "My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.



Emo Philips Quotes: "My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes."

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.



Emo Philips Quotes: "I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.




Emo Philips Quotes: "People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'"

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'



Emo Philips Quotes: "I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in."

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.



Emo Philips Quotes: "I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible."

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.



Emo Philips Quotes: "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.



Emo Philips Quotes: "I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'




Emo Philips Quotes: "I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this."

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.



Emo Philips Quotes: "Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy."

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.



Emo Philips Quotes: "The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer."

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.



Emo Philips Quotes: "I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ."

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.



Emo Philips Quotes: "All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others."

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.



Emo Philips Quotes: "I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.



Emo Philips Quotes: "I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him."

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.



Emo Philips Quotes: "Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.



Emo Philips Quotes: "I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby."

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.



Emo Philips Quotes: "I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like."

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.



Emo Philips Quotes: "When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them."

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.



Emo Philips Quotes: "Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me."

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.



Emo Philips Quotes: "I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items."

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.



Emo Philips Quotes: "Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?"

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?



Emo Philips Quotes: "I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one."

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.



Emo Philips Quotes: "I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code."

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.



Emo Philips Quotes: "Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'"

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'



Emo Philips Quotes: "I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.



Emo Philips Quotes: "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.



Emo Philips Quotes: "My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets."

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.



Emo Philips Quotes: "I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me."

I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.



Emo Philips Quotes: "You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists."

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.



Emo Philips Quotes: "I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose."

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.



Emo Philips Quotes: "They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers."

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.



Emo Philips Quotes: "My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it."

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.



Emo Philips Quotes: "Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.



Emo Philips Quotes: "My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers."

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.



Emo Philips Quotes: "When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage."

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.



Emo Philips Quotes: "I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won."

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.



Emo Philips Quotes: "When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter."

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.



Emo Philips Quotes: "I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.



Emo Philips Quotes: "I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint."

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.



Emo Philips Quotes: "I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic"."

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".



Emo Philips Quotes: "The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks."

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.



Emo Philips Quotes: "People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce."

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.



Emo Philips Quotes: "I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?"

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?



Emo Philips Quotes: "One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game."

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.