Christopher Moore Quotes

Children see magic because they look for it.

He loved constantly, instantly, spontaneously, without thought or words. That's what he taught me. Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell. That was his gift.

It's wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.

If you think anyone is sane you just don’t know enough about them. The key — and this is very relevant in our case — is to find someone whose insanity dovetails with your own.

Oh, we are but soft and squishy bags of mortality rolling in a bin of sharp circumstance, leaking life until we collapse, flaccid, into our own despair.

Nobody's perfect... Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him.

I was seven before I realized that you could eat breakfast with your pants on.

If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.

Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.

So hey, once Joshua heals your brother, you want to go do something, get some pomegranate juice, a falafel,or get married or something?

Blessed are the dumbfucks.

Well they're pissed off and they're hungry. I was kind of busy trying not to get my brains eaten. They seemed pretty adamant about the brain-eating thing. Then they're going to IKEA, I guess

Science, you don't know, looks like magic.

In business, as in politics, the public is ever so tolerant of those who slime.

Life is loneliness, broken only by the gods taunting us with friendship and the odd bonk

We know there's going to be nothing but pain, but we go back again and again.

Unless you can change the past, you’re wasting the present on this guilt

Why understand when you can believe?

Oh, I would while away the hours, Wanking in the flowers, my heart all full of song, I'd be gliding all the lilies as I waved about my willie, If I only had a schlong.

And an inky-colored despair of rejection enveloped me like the black tortilla of depression around a pain burrito.

Faith isn't an act of intelligence, it's an act of imagination.

There's a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality--there's mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin.

San Francisco is a breathtakingly beautiful city, with lots of great contrasts between dark and light, often overlapping each other. It's a great setting for a horror story.

You think you know how this story is going to end, but you don't.

You don't hurry a thinker, and you don't talk to him when he's thinking. It's just inconsiderate.

He had risked his freedom and his pride to buy her this, to acknowledge that part of her that everyone else seemed to want to get rid of.

That's the scary thing about hope," she said. "If you let it go too long it turns into faith.

... but to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu?

Enchantment and seduction were fine means of persuasion, but when time is short, an awkward but quick concussion could better serve a girl's purpose.

Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.

Do we still have to floss?" Tommy asked. "I mean, what's the point of being immortal if we have to floss?

. . . And so Charlie Asher . . . led an army of fourteen-inch-tall bundles of animal bits, armed with everything from knitting needles to a spork, into the storm sewers of San Fransciso.

It’s like he has this power over me—like I have an eating disorder and he’s a package of Oreo Double Stuff cookies.

The angel has confided in me that he is going to ask the Lord if he can become Spider-Man. [...] The children need heroes, he says. I think he just wants to swing from buildings in tight red jammies.

He wanted her to experience all the glorious cheese of life.

In fact, he sorely hoped that it would happen, because otherwise, the world made no sense, there was no justice, and life was just a tangled ball of chaos.

That's the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm.

All killer whales are named Kevin. You knew that, right?

Stephenie Meyer: Her vampires are sparkly, which I think we can all agree is wrong.

He has the attention span of a hummingbird.

Sweetheart, wake up; you've destroyed the house and I need you to suffer for it.

An adventure story is fear recalled in comfort.

What is your name?" asked Lear. Caius," said Kent. And whence do you hail?" From Bonking, sire." Well, yes, lad, as do we all," said Lear, "but from what town?

It's like time travel only, you know, slower.

Actually, orcas aren't quite as complex as scientists imagine. Most killer whales are just four tons of doofus dressed up like a police car.

That's a horrible plan." "Yes, but I have chosen to ignore that.

The pursuit of material gain is ultimately empty when measured against eternity.

He invented Kung Fu when translated to English means method by which short, bald guys can kick the bejeezus out of you.

Only cops and vampires have to have an invitation to enter.

Hope is bulletproof, truth just hard to hit