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Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

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Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.




Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death."

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "That's the true spirit of Christmas people being helped by people other than me."

That's the true spirit of Christmas people being helped by people other than me.



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "The best revenge is living well."

The best revenge is living well.




Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason"

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'"

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "We want to do a lot of stuff we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup."

We want to do a lot of stuff we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.




Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there."

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything."

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."

A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?"

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track."

There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.




Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "It's good to play and you must keep in practice."

It's good to play and you must keep in practice.



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it."

Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?"

I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!"

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy."

The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving."

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome."

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success."

Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door."

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive."

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider."

I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst."

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.



Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.