Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
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It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
That's the true spirit of Christmas people being helped by people other than me.
The best revenge is living well.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
We want to do a lot of stuff we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.
It's good to play and you must keep in practice.
Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.
I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
The number-one fear in life is public speaking and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.
Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.