Dylan Moran Quotes

People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like 'be realistic.'

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

Black Books adheres to a more old fashioned, traditional sitcom format, which I think works, because in its own way, it's quite theatrical.

You’re not an adult at all - you're just a tall child holding a beer, having conversations you don't understand...

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

When things are going well, I can't write fast enough to keep up with my mind. Writing walks, speech runs and talk flies. Other times, though, it's like fishing.

I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.

Nothing can make me feel better now, except cocaine.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"

I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.

Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?!

Women are like canoes, full of soup. At first everyone is suspicious but then everyone wants one.

And yet, people still turn to Jesus. You will notice though that the kind of people who turn to Jesus tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.

I need a healthy injection of cynicism right now.

I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.

I quite fancy the 1940s. I like the trams and the trousers.

Irish people give big hellos and very little goodbyes. Unless they're female, and then they spend five hours talking in the doorway to the person that's leaving their house.

Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

I dislike both of [candidates] but there's obviously no choice in the election - if you're concerned about the future of anything, you need to vote for Hillary Clinton.

I don't see teenagers anymore. I see... I see youths. Slumped S shapes in their hoodies, all huddled round a bin of burning grannies. All texting eachother because they've given up on speech.

You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.

I'm very drawn to Eastern Europe, so I like a Hungarian writer who wrote in French called Emil Cioran; he was always good for giving me such a stir.

Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?

If I hadn't done this I might have ended up digging the roads.

I don't want to do the same thing over and over again.

Tequila? It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.

If you're a comic, you don't have a rehearsal room, you rehearse on stage. My main concern is remembering everything.

I don't go around thinking of myself as a great anything.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

[Washington] is the political capital. It's essentially a big office.

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic.

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.

Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop

As an Irish person, there's a historical fascination with America: America is the default green and promised land for Irish people and Italians; that's what we grow up with.

I don't really think of myself as an actor.

Shame is one of the greatest aphrodisiacs in the world, anyway, built into religion.

It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book.

Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.

I fear we might be losing the basic human facility to be alone - and with that you throw out independent decision-making, what to trust, what not to trust; key stuff - a perilous loss.

I'm not drunk onstage, although I've done that a couple of times when I was younger. It's partly just the way I talk - I talk like somebody in a rocking chair. I'm your 150-year-old grandmother.

I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

Adulthood feels like walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.