Steven Wright Quotes
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I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.
I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.