Steven Wright Quotes

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.