Steven Wright Quotes

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

What's another word for thesaurus?

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.