Steven Wright Quotes

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.