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Steven Wright Quotes

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Steven Wright Quotes: "I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone."

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.




Steven Wright Quotes: "If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?



Steven Wright Quotes: "I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.



Steven Wright Quotes: "A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.




Steven Wright Quotes: "I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'"

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'



Steven Wright Quotes: "If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?"

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?



Steven Wright Quotes: "If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?"

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?




Steven Wright Quotes: "I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.



Steven Wright Quotes: "Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.



Steven Wright Quotes: "A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here."

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.



Steven Wright Quotes: "If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?



Steven Wright Quotes: "When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety."

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.




Steven Wright Quotes: "I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.



Steven Wright Quotes: "I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.



Steven Wright Quotes: "My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere."

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.



Steven Wright Quotes: "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.



Steven Wright Quotes: "When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them."

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.



Steven Wright Quotes: "You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor."

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.



Steven Wright Quotes: "I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.



Steven Wright Quotes: "You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.



Steven Wright Quotes: "If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?



Steven Wright Quotes: "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.



Steven Wright Quotes: "I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension."

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.



Steven Wright Quotes: "What's another word for Thesaurus?"

What's another word for Thesaurus?



Steven Wright Quotes: "I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.



Steven Wright Quotes: "I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.



Steven Wright Quotes: "Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.



Steven Wright Quotes: "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.



Steven Wright Quotes: "I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6."

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.



Steven Wright Quotes: "I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'



Steven Wright Quotes: "I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.



Steven Wright Quotes: "When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'



Steven Wright Quotes: "I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot."

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.



Steven Wright Quotes: "I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.



Steven Wright Quotes: "I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.



Steven Wright Quotes: "If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell."

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.



Steven Wright Quotes: "If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?"

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?



Steven Wright Quotes: "What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?



Steven Wright Quotes: "I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost."

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.



Steven Wright Quotes: "I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.



Steven Wright Quotes: "I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!



Steven Wright Quotes: "What's another word for thesaurus?"

What's another word for thesaurus?



Steven Wright Quotes: "Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?



Steven Wright Quotes: "It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature."

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.



Steven Wright Quotes: "When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.



Steven Wright Quotes: "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.



Steven Wright Quotes: "If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?"

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?



Steven Wright Quotes: "If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?



Steven Wright Quotes: "If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you."

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.