Humor Quotes
The most I can hope for is to die in a pose that confuses future archaeologists.
Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I'm not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we're doing here.
A gun. I had been brought down by a gun. It was practically comical. Cheaters, I thought.
I love new clothes. If everyone could just wear new clothes everyday, I reckon depression wouldn’t exist anymore.
One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.
Many demons are in woods, in waters, in wildernesses, and in dark poolly places ready to hurt...people.
What shall we do with...the Jews?...set fire to their synagogues or schools and bury and cover with dirt whatever will not burn, so that no man will ever again see a stone or cinder of them.
Nothing in man is more serious than his sense of humor; it is the sign that he wants all the truth.
When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows,' people just stare at you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the system, for free.'
Humor is when the joke's on you but hits the other fellow first -- before it boomerangs.
America is a bunch o' bullies. Tell me what the Iraq uniform is like. Don't worry, I'll wait.
As we look for humor, seek for the eternal perspective, understnd the principle of compensation, and draw near to our Heavenly Father, we can endure heardship and trial.
Imagination offers people consolation for what they cannot be, and humor for what they actually are.
Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.
It was nice that you guys have such a good sense of humor, because some people don't have the ability to laugh at something.
You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."
You can handle anything if you think you can. Just keep your cool and your sense of humor.
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.
