Zach Galifianakis Quotes

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

Tigers love pepper...they hate cinnamon.

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!'

My forte is awkwardness.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

I watch a happy person doing stand-up, and I go, "What the hell is this? This person's happy!" You need internal conflict. You need the guy to be out of step with society. It's a tool for comedy.

You write things that are of interest to you. There's no focus group.

A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I've always been attracted to sad. If you look at Woody Allen movies, he's often playing a sad clown, and it's always been interesting. And angry clown is even more interesting.

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

I think comedy is a really, really good tool for trying to say something.

I've always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.

Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.

I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

I'm terrible at heights. I hate it. I'm glad I'm only 5'7".

I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.

I think comedy does have that powerful thing that doesn't seem too preachy because you're also making people laugh, so it's really kind of a good tool for messaging.

I call my balls the bush twins.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie.

I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life.

I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.

Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'

I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.

I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, 'Who's the boss now?'