Chris Rock Quotes

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

So, to say Barack Obama is progress is saying that he's the first black person that is qualified to be president. That's not black progress. That's white progress.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.

The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.

Smart is knowing if you're dumb. Knowing when to shut up and to listen to people that are smarter than you.

If poor people knew how rich rich people are, there would be riots in the streets.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If you want to prevent abortions, you make sure everyone has health care, a high school education and birth control. Not the exact opposite.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

You can only offend me if you mean something to me.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies... a man's lie is, "I'm at Tony house, I was at Kenny house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.

If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.

If your work is so smart that only smart people get it, it's not that smart.

A man is only as faithful as his options.

You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.

Happy white peoples independence day the slaves weren't free but I'm sure they enjoyed fireworks.

Hollywood's racist. Hollywood is sorority racist. It's like - we like you, Rhonda, but you're not a Kappa.

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

If you’re a black Christian, you have a real short memory.

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.

One of my daughters told me the other day, "Kevin Hart is funnier than you, Daddy." I told her, "Does Kevin Hart make you pancakes?"

Pretty girls have problems too.

A black man will be elected President of the United States. I'm sorry, that's in the year 10,000.

Just to be clear, Ray Rice was not fired for beating his wife. He was fired because a video of him beating his wife was released.

I'm never proper or careful, but I never curse in front of my mother, either.

I literally don't know what I'm going to do next. That's successful.

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

After I left high school and got my GED, I studied broadcast journalism for a year at a community college.

Nobody ever says, 'Hey daddy, thanks for knockin' out this rent.' 'Hey daddy, I sure love this hot water.' 'Hey daddy, it's easy to read with all this light.' Nobody give a fk about dads!

I saw the yearbook picture. There was six of them! I ain't have six friends in high school, I don't have six friends now! That's three on three with a half court.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

Black movies don't have real names, they have names like Barbershop. That's not a name, that's just a location.

People are always going to, you know, find something wrong with people who are not the exact same as them. That's just what it is. Black, white, short, tall, religions, whatever. People are bad.

If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.

Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse.

You can't think the thoughts you want to think if you think you're being watched.

A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.