Daniel Handler Quotes

Anyone who gives you a cinnamon roll fresh out of the oven is a friend for life.

Miracles are like meatballs, because nobody can exactly agree on what they are made of, where they come from, or how often they should appear.

Temper tantrums, however fun they may be to throw, rarely solve whatever problem is causing them.

I didn't realize this was a sad occasion.

They didn't understand it, but like so many unfortunate events in life, just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it isn't so.

Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby - awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.

Chestnuts in stuffing tastes like someone chewed up a tree branch and then French-kissed it into your mouth.

The thing with your heart's desire is that your heart doesn't even know what it desires until it turns up.

Accidents happen all the time.

Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have.

Someone feeling wronged is like someone feeling thirsty. Don’t tell them they aren’t. Sit with them and have a drink.

I will love you as the iceberg loves the ship, and the passengers love the lifeboat and the lifeboat loves the teeth of the sperm whale, and the sperm whale loves the flavor of naval uniforms.

It was darker than a pitch-black panther, covered in tar, eating black licorice at the very bottom of the deepest part of the Black Sea.

If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives.

I stand entwined in fire on the inextinguishable bonfire of inconceivable love.

A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.

the mind has a thousand eyes, and the heart has one:yet the light of a whole life dies when love is done.

If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats.

Every last souvenir of the love we had, the prizes & the debris of this relationship, like the glitter in the gutter when the parade has passed, all the everything & whatnot kicked to the curb.

They looked at each other like a pair of parentheses.

Make sure you have your own mask on, before helping others with theirs.

One can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways.

If I were to say, "Yes, I am a fascinating, erudite person," what would that say about me? I don't know.

I’d ruin any day, all my days, for those long nights with you, and I did.

I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong.

You’re just jealous of me because I’m a tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian!

Sometimes the things you’ve lost can be found again in unexpected places.

It is always sad when someone leaves home, unless they are simply going around the corner and will return in a few minutes with ice-cream sandwiches.

When do you learn that the world, like any diner worth its salt, is open twenty-four hours a day?

But I must admit I miss you terribly. The world is too quiet without you nearby.

He who hesitates is lost

Sooner or later, everyone's story has an unfortunate event or two...The solution, of course, is to stay as far away from the world as possible and lead a safe, simple life.

...everyone was right about you- prove them wrong.

I gasped and pointed the way. I gave you an adventure, Ed, right in front of you but you never saw it until I showed you, and that's why we broke up.

When you say, "History is written by the winners," you like to think about someone who isn't you. You want to think, "Oh, that's the juggernaut I'm standing against." But you're probably part of it.

Of course I'm trying to trick you! That's the way of the world, Baudelaires. Everyone runs around with their secrets and their schemes, trying to outwit everyone else.

Love can smack you like a seagull, and pour all over your feet like junk mail.

It is terribly rude to tell people that their troubles are boring.

The sad truth is the truth is sad.

When you start reading nonfiction books about piracy, you realize that it's actually just a history of desperate people.

Fetching objects for people who are too lazy to fetch them for themselves is never a pleasant task, particularly when the people are insulting you.

It is not very polite to interrupt a person, of course, but sometimes if the person is very unpleasant you can hardly stop yourself.

Announcing your death should be like announcing that you are a lunar moth: It must be done quietly or it will not be believed.

The miracle is the adverbs, the way things are done.

Beef. Yes. Roast beef. It's the Swedish term for beef that is roasted.

The last safe place is safe no more.

I often can't remember which scenes are and aren't in the final product, because I saw so many different versions of the Lemony Snicket that I forget which ended up on the cutting-room floor.

I love no one but you, I have discovered, but you are far away and I am here alone.

I have produced things that I would say were sincerely cheerful. But then I am reminded by other people that no one else would see them that way.

Blinded following the Blindfolded