The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

I knew how one climbing the mountain of worldly success can slip down into the river below without being conscious of the descent till he is already drowning.

I wanted to remind you that you do not allow me to deliver boats, as I have been known to crash them.

I am not a Virginian but an American.

I would like to go back and spend a Christmas with my family and myself when I was five years old and just see what that dynamic would be like. Observe it. I think it would be a magical gift.

In a notable family called Stein There were Gertrude, and Ep, and then Ein. Gert's writing was hazy, Ep's statues were crazy, And nobody understood Ein.

The woman does not work because the man tells her to work and she obeys. On the contrary, the woman works because she has told the man to work and he hasn’t obeyed.

I go on the principle that a public debt is a public curse and in a republican government more than in any other.

One sound idea is all that you need to achieve success.

Scientific progress is measured in units of courage, not intelligence.

Actors do these really gross, gun-'em-down movies, and I always wonder why. They're not good movies. And it's like, "Why are you doing them? Aren't you rich enough?"