It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like 'be realistic.'

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

Black Books adheres to a more old fashioned, traditional sitcom format, which I think works, because in its own way, it's quite theatrical.

You’re not an adult at all - you're just a tall child holding a beer, having conversations you don't understand...

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

Panty Melter: an exceedingly rare species of man blessed with so many desirable attributes he effortlessly gains access into a girl's panties.

I would rather be governed by the first 2000 people in the Manhattan phone book than the entire faculty of Harvard.

This guy is such an obvious cheater that once when he had a hole in one he wrote down zero on his scorecard.

I'm intimidated by the fear of being average.

I have never been able to understand why perfectly sensible people waste time being wittily obscure instead of just saying what they want and going on about their business.

I've learned there's nothing wrong with being a little fussy. I used to pride myself on being low-maintenance - I wore it like a badge of honor.

So as not to feel the horrible burden of time that breaks your back and bends you to the earth, be endlessly drunk.

Who you are is strong enough to bare your pain

When you learn to live for others, they will live for you.

A very big part of the life of a photograph is the afterlife.