Demetri Martin Quotes

It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40, 000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).

Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?

Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.