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Demetri Martin Quotes

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Demetri Martin Quotes: "Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies."

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.




Demetri Martin Quotes: "I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery."

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.



Demetri Martin Quotes: "I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'"

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'



Demetri Martin Quotes: "Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival."

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.




Demetri Martin Quotes: "I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable."

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.



Demetri Martin Quotes: "No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves."

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.



Demetri Martin Quotes: "I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that."

I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.




Demetri Martin Quotes: "And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track."

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.



Demetri Martin Quotes: "But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom."

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.



Demetri Martin Quotes: "But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me."

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.



Demetri Martin Quotes: "I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40, 000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'"

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40, 000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'



Demetri Martin Quotes: "I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything."

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.




Demetri Martin Quotes: "REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band."

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.



Demetri Martin Quotes: "Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets."

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.



Demetri Martin Quotes: "I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming."

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.



Demetri Martin Quotes: "I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny."

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.



Demetri Martin Quotes: "If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!"

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!



Demetri Martin Quotes: "The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import)."

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).



Demetri Martin Quotes: "Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?"

Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?



Demetri Martin Quotes: "Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time."

Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.



Demetri Martin Quotes: "I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.



Demetri Martin Quotes: "The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly."

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.



Demetri Martin Quotes: "I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital."

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.