Demetri Martin Quotes

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.

People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person's yard.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton".

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.