Dave Barry Quotes

Natives of the Florida Keys often refer to themselves as Conchs, and for good reason: They have been drinking.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test.

...light overcomes darkenss. A tiny match can illuminate the darkest room. As long as there is some light somewhere in the universe, [darkness] can be defeated.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash.

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

Kakimi chertyami oni viigrali holodnuyu voinu?"This translates roughly to: "How the hell did these people win the Cold War?

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

Apparently he was not the sharpest quill on the porcupine if you get my drift.

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

If a Greek woman tells you to do something, you do it.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there, you'd be lost at sea now, wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me you're all standing on land."(Pirates, its a good thing they're idiots)

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

You're only young once but you can always be immature.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. --Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical

maybe somebody finally shot the dog.

Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

We will then hear from the founder of the Mayo Clinic . . . Dr. Ted Clinic.

Reading... a vacation for the mind....