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Dave Barry Quotes

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Dave Barry Quotes: "Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.




Dave Barry Quotes: "A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person."

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.




Dave Barry Quotes: "Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic."

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.



Dave Barry Quotes: "It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.




Dave Barry Quotes: "Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling."

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.



Dave Barry Quotes: "Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent."

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.



Dave Barry Quotes: "The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes."

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.




Dave Barry Quotes: "Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once."

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.



Dave Barry Quotes: "Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.



Dave Barry Quotes: "Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough."

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.



Dave Barry Quotes: "If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'"

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'



Dave Barry Quotes: "Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain."

Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.




Dave Barry Quotes: "Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.



Dave Barry Quotes: "Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this the hard way."

Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this the hard way.



Dave Barry Quotes: "Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.



Dave Barry Quotes: "When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy."

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.



Dave Barry Quotes: "The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.



Dave Barry Quotes: "I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either."

I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.



Dave Barry Quotes: "Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT."

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.



Dave Barry Quotes: "Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro."

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.



Dave Barry Quotes: "I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding."

I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.



Dave Barry Quotes: "No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously."

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.



Dave Barry Quotes: "People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.



Dave Barry Quotes: "It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money."

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.



Dave Barry Quotes: "To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent."

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.



Dave Barry Quotes: "The most powerful force in the universe is gossip."

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.



Dave Barry Quotes: "Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers."

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.



Dave Barry Quotes: "I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford."

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.



Dave Barry Quotes: "Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything."

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.



Dave Barry Quotes: "Hardware: where the people in your company's software section will tell you the problem is. Software: where the people in your company's hardware section will tell you the problem is."

Hardware: where the people in your company's software section will tell you the problem is. Software: where the people in your company's hardware section will tell you the problem is.



Dave Barry Quotes: "The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom."

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom.



Dave Barry Quotes: "Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.



Dave Barry Quotes: "It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent."

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.



Dave Barry Quotes: "The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition."

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.



Dave Barry Quotes: "There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness."

There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.



Dave Barry Quotes: "Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism."

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.



Dave Barry Quotes: "Never lick a steak knife."

Never lick a steak knife.



Dave Barry Quotes: "What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death."

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.



Dave Barry Quotes: "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers."

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.



Dave Barry Quotes: "What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series."

What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.



Dave Barry Quotes: "A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge."

A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.



Dave Barry Quotes: "Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones in England - is actually a crude effort by the Druids to build a computing device."

Some archeologists believe that Stonehenge - the mysterious arrangement of enormous elongated stones in England - is actually a crude effort by the Druids to build a computing device.



Dave Barry Quotes: "Orangutan are very weird animals but they look very soulful."

Orangutan are very weird animals but they look very soulful.



Dave Barry Quotes: "Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter."

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter.



Dave Barry Quotes: "Reading... a vacation for the mind."

Reading... a vacation for the mind.



Dave Barry Quotes: "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.



Dave Barry Quotes: "Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting."

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.



Dave Barry Quotes: "It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity."

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.



Dave Barry Quotes: "The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses."

The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear safety glasses.