Humor Quotes

People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.

A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?

I think God has a tremendous sense of humor.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

Humor - it helps to make the vibe better - it loosens up the vibrations.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

Jesus!" Luke exclaimed. "Actually, it's just me," said Simon. "Although I've been told the resemblance is startling.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

Wit and humor do not reside in slow minds.

My legacy would be that you don't have to give up anything. You can be chic but have a sense of humor, you can be sexy but comfortable, you can be timeless but fresh.

The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.

Diligence is a good thing, but taking things easy is much more restful.

I am a great and sublime fool. But then I am God's fool, and all His works must be contemplated with respect.

Maintain a sense of humor. People who take themselves too seriously are power-crazy. If they win it will be haircuts for all. Beware of power freaks.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

Humor is one of the elements of genius--admirable as an adjunct; but as soon as it becomes dominant, only a surrogate for genius.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

When all else fails, look cute.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.

Always keep a smile. I attribute my long life to that. I believe I will die laughing. That's part of my program.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Go on, prove me wrong. Destroy the fabric of the universe. See if I care.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Humor is the most important thing in life. It trumps everything else and it's the only thing that helps me deal with everything else.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well.

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Good humor is a philosophic state of mind; it seems to say to nature that we take her no more seriously than she takes us.

To my mind, a well-developed sense of humor is the surest indication of a person's humanity, no matter how black and bitter that humor may be.

The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.

Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings.

What's the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don't yield to them?

In truth, Freud sees nothing and understands nothing.

Nobody actually ever does this—escaping through a window.

I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.

Sarcasm is when you tell someone the truth by lying on purpose.

I would advocate that chocolate be covered by health insurance, but that is admittedly a very French public policy perspective.

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.

I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society…unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.