Daniel Tosh Quotes

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

I'm not honest, but you're interesting!

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner.

I think it's kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that's stealing. Wow talk about ironic.

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

Describe your perfect man who looks like me.

You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?

I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.

When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.