There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

it's good to have things done withwhen they don't workit's also good not to hateor even forgetthe person you've failed with.

It's only life. We all get through it.

Living for oneself, respecting our being is one of the most important code of anybody's existence and a person who fails to justify his being fails to justify the society as well..

We cannot allow the badness to be triumphant on earth because we do not have a spare world!

Before I realized I had faults, I was already joking about it, to get attention. By the time I went to high school, I had a pretty practiced routine down.

It was hard to figure out what were the good causes, the bad causes, even the good politics and the bad politics. So we started taking requests and figuring it out.

The most bizarre thing I've ever read about myself is that I was dead. That was kind of weird to read that I'm dead - mostly because I was reading it.

It is cool to make a pilot because you get to do all the fun stuff, and then you get to leave when all the tough stuff starts.

Relational trust is built on movements of the human heart such as empathy, commitment, compassion, patience, and the capacity to forgive.

I like Toronto; the people are really chill.