Humor Quotes

By way of personal instinct, I have an inherent distaste for grandiose rhetorical statements, which don't have any substantive dimension to them

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

My name is "A Pimp named Slickback" Wait... A Pimp?? ... Named Slickback. Yes, please say the whole thing if you would. Yes, that includs the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes Tom, everytime.

Just as true humor is laughter at oneself, true humanity is knowledge of oneself.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

What then remains, but well our power to use, And keep good-humor still whate'er we lose? And trust me, dear, good-humor can prevail, When airs, and flights, and screams, and scolding fail.

Humor is unavoidable. It might not feel funny in the moment, but more often than not there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

A lesson taught with humor is a lesson retained.

Gossip columnists are diseases, like 'flu. Everyone is subject to them.

Humor is important in everything. Dress with a little humor and you can go a long way.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

A good since of humor and someone who is loyal and cute-I like cute girls

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved.

After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you enter.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

No man is greater than his respect for sleep.

We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Heroism doesn't pay very well. I try to be cold-blooded and money-oriented, but I keep screwing it up.

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn't believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

Of course I believe in hell. I have three brothers.

If you're alive, kick into drive. Chase whimsies. See if you can turn dreams into a way to make a living, if not an entire way of life.

You rush a miracle worker, you get lousy miracles!

Why is it, I wondered, that old people are always so self-centered and excitable? But I just smiled benignly and stood back, comforted by the thought that soon they would be dead.

FABLEHAVEN: None who enter will leave unchanged. Trespassers will be turned to stone.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Don't eat till you're full, eat till you're tired.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.

In the name of the Pizza Lord. Charge!

Now, public libraries are most admirable institutions, but they have one irritating custom. They want their books back.

What's the good of living if you don't try a few things?

The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it.

We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.

Art is anything you can get away with.

It means 'Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234'.

I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.

It’s fascinating. You know all these words, and they’re all English, but when you string them together into sentences, they just don’t make any sense.