Frank Carson Quotes

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!

Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.

My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.