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Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

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Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there."

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.




Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine."

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.




Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them."

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool."

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.




Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'"

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me."

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands."

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.




Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know."

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves."

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend."

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look."

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop."

I want to marry the kind of girl that walks out of an abortion clinic with a lollipop.




Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable."

I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it."

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby."

You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep."

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off."

Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer."

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word."

I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself."

I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy."

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer."

Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified."

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?"

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?"

I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital."

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower."

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles."

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it."

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing."

My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them."

You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks."

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket."

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted."

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says."

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night."

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14."

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire."

I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little "faces.""

Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little "faces."



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled."

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something."

When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability."

In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number."

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids."

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry."

I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother."

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility."

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter."

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.



Anthony Jeselnik Quotes: "My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it."

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.