Robert Orben Quotes

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

If at first you don't succeed-try, try again. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as timed-release success.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

A compliment is verbal sunshine.

Live your life so that if someone says 'Be yourself' it's good advice.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.

If you can laugh together, you can work together.

We have enough people who tell it like it is - now we could use a few who tell it like it can be.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

I feel that if God had really wanted us to have enough oil, he would never have given us a Department of Energy.

Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It's a bonding influence.

Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it's a pen that scratches.

Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings. The expectations are always high, and the results usually disappointing.

Here's to all volunteers, those dedicated people who believe in all work and no pay.

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.

Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.

Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.

Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.

I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.

Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.

Individuality' is the key to success.

Wait'll next year! is the favorite cry of baseball fans, football fans, hockey fans, and gardeners.

What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.

Very few people ever meet celebrities. All we really know is what we read about them and the most memorable lines are jokes. That's how we tend to define what we think of a public figure.

I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.