Robert Orben Quotes

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Have you noticed when you go on a diet the first thing you lose is your temper.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

I take my children everywhere but they always find their way back home.

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

Planned obsolescence isn't a new idea - God always used it with people.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

New Yorkers are so impersonal if it wasn't for muggings there wouldn't be any contact at all!

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Time flies. It’s up to you to be the navigator.

Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there I go to work.

President Ford used humor a great deal.

It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.

We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.

Cheap? If he was at the Last Supper he would have asked for separate checks!

It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.

I don't want to say anything about my kids . . . but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

I may be forty but every morning when I get up I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately there's never one around.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?

I don't see why religion and science can't get along. What's wrong with counting our blessings with a computer?

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

"Wait'll next year!" is the favorite cry of baseball fans football fans hockey fans and gardeners.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that "individuality" is the key to success.