Billy Connolly Quotes

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.

There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.

I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?

Never trust anybody with only one book.

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.

Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.

A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

Politically correct is the language of cowardice.

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

If you give people a chance, they shine.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.

Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

Never trust people who've only got one book.

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.

Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly

It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.