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Henny Youngman Quotes

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Henny Youngman Quotes: "She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face."

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.




Henny Youngman Quotes: "When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays."

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "You can't buy love but you can pay heavily for it."

You can't buy love but you can pay heavily for it.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.




Henny Youngman Quotes: "What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest."

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him."

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.




Henny Youngman Quotes: "When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)"

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)



Henny Youngman Quotes: "If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving."

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions."

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are."

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.




Henny Youngman Quotes: "I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward."

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays."

I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say."

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!"

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!



Henny Youngman Quotes: "My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?"

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?



Henny Youngman Quotes: "I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student."

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock."

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.