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Henny Youngman Quotes

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Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.


         

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.


         


When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.


         

You can't buy love but you can pay heavily for it.

You can't buy love but you can pay heavily for it.


         


The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.


         

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.


         

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.


         

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.


         

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)


         

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.


         

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.


         


I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.


         

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.


         

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.


         

I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.

I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.


         

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.


         

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.


         

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!


         

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?


         

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.