Henny Youngman Quotes
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My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.
Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.
My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.
When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."