Henny Youngman Quotes

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

You can't buy love but you can pay heavily for it.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.