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Henny Youngman Quotes

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Henny Youngman Quotes: "I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.




Henny Youngman Quotes: "A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.




Henny Youngman Quotes: "If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.




Henny Youngman Quotes: "A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well."

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did



Henny Youngman Quotes: "Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.




Henny Youngman Quotes: "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!""

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"



Henny Youngman Quotes: "It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer."

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.




Henny Youngman Quotes: "If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving."

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'"

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'



Henny Youngman Quotes: "My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected."

I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner."

The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport."

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock."

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it."

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside."

Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!""

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"



Henny Youngman Quotes: "When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays."

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."

While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win."

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in.""

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."



Henny Youngman Quotes: "A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope."

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him."

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him."

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years."

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all."

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops."

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!""

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"



Henny Youngman Quotes: "I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!""

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"



Henny Youngman Quotes: "A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up."

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to."

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!""

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"



Henny Youngman Quotes: "I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake.""

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."



Henny Youngman Quotes: "Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer."

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip."

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!""

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"



Henny Youngman Quotes: "A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!""

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"



Henny Youngman Quotes: "My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree."

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.



Henny Youngman Quotes: "When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter.""

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."