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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.




Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.




Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness."

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.




Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face."

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.




Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth."

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up."

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck.""

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar."

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.




Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."

A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out."

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it."

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home."

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people."

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'"

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself."

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no."

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves."

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth."

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride."

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved."

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it."

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!"

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke."

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one."

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid."

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution."

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat."

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together."

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight."

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "Look out for number one and try not to step in number two."

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?"

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through."

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me."

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was."

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'"

I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill."

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't."

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide."

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair."

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.



Rodney Dangerfield Quotes: "Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it."

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.