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Jimmy Carr Quotes

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Jimmy Carr Quotes: "The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job."

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian."

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.




Jimmy Carr Quotes: "British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!"

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'"

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'




Jimmy Carr Quotes: "I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat."

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand."

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'."

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.




Jimmy Carr Quotes: "If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids."

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?"

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton."

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky.""

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet."

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.




Jimmy Carr Quotes: "TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'."

TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out in front of 1,000, you think, 'Oh my God, this had better be good'.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot."

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub."

I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!""

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol"

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it."

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!"

Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake."

I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident."

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!"

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "How many airports are there in the world?"

How many airports are there in the world?



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker."

I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing."

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh."

I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it"

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move."

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly."

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling."

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine."

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty.""

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence."

Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros."

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die."

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have."

I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea."

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing."

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee."

Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest.""

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb."

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen."

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service."

Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'"

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation."

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you."

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it."

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem."

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.



Jimmy Carr Quotes: "Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes."

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.