Bob Hope Quotes

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

It you watch a game it's fun. If you play it it's recreation. If you work at it it's golf.

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things - not the great occasions - give off the greatest glow of happiness.

If you watch a game it's fun. If you play it it's recreation. If you work at it it's golf.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

We had a very successful trip to Russia we got back.

I don't generally feel anything until noon then it's time for my nap.

The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.

I do benefits for all religions. ... I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch him, I'm going to kill the guy.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I have too much money invested in sweaters.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?