Bob Hope Quotes

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies

I like a President who tells jokes instead of appointing them.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.

He hits the ball 130 yards and his jewelry goes 150.

You know you've reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.

Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Everyone's nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that's just to protect his buns.

Rock and roll is catching on all over . . . France . . . England . . . They even have it in Japan, only over there they call it judo.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.

Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.

I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.

You know what a fan letter is - it's just an inky raspberry.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.

She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

In his prime, the young comic walked onto a stage with the confidence of a man who owned it, and by the time he walked off, he did.

I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.

Foursomes have left the first tee there and have never been seen again. They just find their shoelaces and bags.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

Whenever I play with him , I usually try to make it a foursome - the President, myself, a paramedic and a faith healer.

We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.