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Funny Humor Quotes

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Funny Humor Quotes: "I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert."

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.




Funny Humor Quotes: "Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies."

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.




Funny Humor Quotes: "Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories."

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.



Funny Humor Quotes: "Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.




Funny Humor Quotes: "I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist."

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.



Funny Humor Quotes: "It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope."

It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope.



Funny Humor Quotes: "Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason."

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.




Funny Humor Quotes: "A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well."

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.



Funny Humor Quotes: "There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs."

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.



Funny Humor Quotes: "I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger."

I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.



Funny Humor Quotes: "You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun."

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.



Funny Humor Quotes: "Never place a period where God has placed a comma."

Never place a period where God has placed a comma.




Funny Humor Quotes: "I should like to be a horse."

I should like to be a horse.



Funny Humor Quotes: "My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy."

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.



Funny Humor Quotes: "Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.



Funny Humor Quotes: "When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up."

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.



Funny Humor Quotes: "I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure"

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure



Funny Humor Quotes: "I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!"

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!



Funny Humor Quotes: "I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.



Funny Humor Quotes: "How come abbreviated is such a long word?"

How come abbreviated is such a long word?



Funny Humor Quotes: "A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street."

A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.



Funny Humor Quotes: "So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?"

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?



Funny Humor Quotes: "It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was."

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.



Funny Humor Quotes: "Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep."

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.



Funny Humor Quotes: "I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist."

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.



Funny Humor Quotes: "Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth."

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.



Funny Humor Quotes: "One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace."

One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.



Funny Humor Quotes: "An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.



Funny Humor Quotes: "If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?"

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?



Funny Humor Quotes: "I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill."

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.



Funny Humor Quotes: "I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one."

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.



Funny Humor Quotes: "You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox."

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.



Funny Humor Quotes: "Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore."

Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.



Funny Humor Quotes: "Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?"

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?



Funny Humor Quotes: "Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral."

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.



Funny Humor Quotes: "You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven."

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.



Funny Humor Quotes: "There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?"

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?



Funny Humor Quotes: "I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly."

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.



Funny Humor Quotes: "Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?"

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?



Funny Humor Quotes: "I am about to - or I am going to - die; either expression is correct."

I am about to - or I am going to - die; either expression is correct.



Funny Humor Quotes: "To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'."

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.



Funny Humor Quotes: "Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.



Funny Humor Quotes: "Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is."

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.



Funny Humor Quotes: "Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?"

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?



Funny Humor Quotes: "The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal."

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.



Funny Humor Quotes: "Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?"

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?



Funny Humor Quotes: "Their is no defense against criticism except obscurity."

Their is no defense against criticism except obscurity.



Funny Humor Quotes: "Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.



Funny Humor Quotes: "If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?