Funny Humor Quotes

Funny Humor Quote of the day

Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope.

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

I should like to be a horse.

Never place a period where God has placed a comma.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

I am about to - or I am going to - die; either expression is correct.

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Their is no defense against criticism except obscurity.