Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

JOH! Thank God I found you.”“I have 9022 gods listed in my database. Must I thank all of them?

...British appeasement of the Palestinian Arabs led directly to the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Jews [in the Holocaust] who might otherwise have found refuge in Palestine.

He did what heroes do after their work is accomplished

If it's a good idea, go ahead and do it. It's much easier to apologize than it is to get permission.

Unless you have made a complete surrender and are doing his will it will avail you nothing if you've reformed a thousand times and have your name on fifty church records.

I have a dread of sounding pretentious and try not to talk too much about what I do.

Solving problems is at the foundation of our survival.

If you follow every dream, you might get lost.

Life is deeply tragic and also very comic at the same time. It's everything at once.

I try to be the fixer of situations and I gravitate to people who are institutional misfits.