Rita Rudner Quotes

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

If you like easygoing monogamous men stay away from billionaires.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and boughr jewelry.

Men in high levels of government seldom surf.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours free Retin-A.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.

My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.

Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

Men like cars women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night change its diapers and give it a bottle but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

Men forget everything women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.