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Rita Rudner Quotes

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Rita Rudner Quotes: "When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.




Rita Rudner Quotes: "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.




Rita Rudner Quotes: "It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was."

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso."

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.




Rita Rudner Quotes: "I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh."

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine."

I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.




Rita Rudner Quotes: "The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down."

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen"

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen



Rita Rudner Quotes: "I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."

I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours."

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.




Rita Rudner Quotes: "In high school I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy."

In high school I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror."

Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?



Rita Rudner Quotes: "My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping."

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious."

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them."

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?"

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?



Rita Rudner Quotes: "Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit."

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV."

Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?



Rita Rudner Quotes: "The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one."

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved."

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture."

Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet."

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe."

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'"

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'



Rita Rudner Quotes: "If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help."

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty."

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head."

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly."

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go."

I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times."

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?



Rita Rudner Quotes: "I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album."

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams."

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?"

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?



Rita Rudner Quotes: "Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened."

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow."

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one."

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?"

How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?



Rita Rudner Quotes: "My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives."

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this."

It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.



Rita Rudner Quotes: "The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him"

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him