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Doug Stanhope Quotes

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Doug Stanhope Quotes: "You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north.""

You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."




Doug Stanhope Quotes: "If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child."

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.




Doug Stanhope Quotes: "There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life."

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs."

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.




Doug Stanhope Quotes: "I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me."

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?"

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect."

One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.




Doug Stanhope Quotes: "I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!"

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led."

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink."

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box."

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time."

Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.




Doug Stanhope Quotes: "I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet."

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit."

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty."

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis."

Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar."

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience."

People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "Your instinct is your true god. Follow it."

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green."

You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?"

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society."

When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly."

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you."

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once."

Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it."

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward."

Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour."

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "It's our flaws who make us who we are."

It's our flaws who make us who we are.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?"

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well."

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease."

The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake."

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless."

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?"

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive."

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!""

People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!"



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!"

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people."

Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating."

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day."

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes."

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job."

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis."

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself."

All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?"

If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in."

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority."

What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority.



Doug Stanhope Quotes: "Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid."

Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.