Doug Stanhope Quotes

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met

You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.

Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.

People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.

You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.

The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

It's our flaws who make us who we are.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!"

Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.

If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority.