Tommy Cooper Quotes

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an plane backing into a mountain.

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then

A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".