Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

And thus we all are nighingThe truth we fear to know:Death will end our cryingFor friends that come and go.

[T]he road to character is built by confronting your own weakness.

Today's vision is tomorrow's reality.

You must have been warned against letting the golden hours slip by but some of them are golden only because we let them slip by.

Upon the highest ridge of that round hill covered with planted oaks, the shafts of the trees show in the light like the columns of a ruin.

Animals have always been therapeutic for me to work with; they help me get me grounded from being on the road.

We are now as I wished we could be then.

When a man's dog turns against hime, it is time for his wife to pack her trunk and go home to mamma.

We can move no faster than the evolution of our language, and this is certainly part of what the psychedelics are about: they force the evolution of language.

The most sacred of the duties of a government [is] to do equal and impartial justice to all its citizens.