George Carlin Quotes
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As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.
If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.
I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.
I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Electricity is really just organized lightning
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.
Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
My advice: just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
Sports fans eat shit.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.
There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
Meow” means “woof” in cat.
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?