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George Carlin Quotes

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George Carlin Quotes: "I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam."

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.



George Carlin Quotes: "I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?




George Carlin Quotes: "Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.



George Carlin Quotes: "Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it."

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.




George Carlin Quotes: "All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another"

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another



George Carlin Quotes: "Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything."

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.



George Carlin Quotes: "In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.




George Carlin Quotes: "Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music."

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.



George Carlin Quotes: "There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies."

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.



George Carlin Quotes: "That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.



George Carlin Quotes: "If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?"

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?



George Carlin Quotes: "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.




George Carlin Quotes: "If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?



George Carlin Quotes: "Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain."

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.



George Carlin Quotes: "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.



George Carlin Quotes: "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.



George Carlin Quotes: "To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope."

To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.



George Carlin Quotes: "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.



George Carlin Quotes: "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.



George Carlin Quotes: "Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.



George Carlin Quotes: "If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse."

If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.



George Carlin Quotes: "Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.



George Carlin Quotes: "Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.



George Carlin Quotes: "Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.



George Carlin Quotes: "Weather forecast for tonight: dark."

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.



George Carlin Quotes: "If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders."

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.



George Carlin Quotes: "Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far."

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.



George Carlin Quotes: "Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body"

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body



George Carlin Quotes: "Life is a zero sum game."

Life is a zero sum game.



George Carlin Quotes: "What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?



George Carlin Quotes: "Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?"

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?



George Carlin Quotes: "Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be."

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.



George Carlin Quotes: "If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.



George Carlin Quotes: "Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes."

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.



George Carlin Quotes: "Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward."

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.



George Carlin Quotes: "If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor."

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.



George Carlin Quotes: "If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?"

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?



George Carlin Quotes: "Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can come up with."

Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can come up with.



George Carlin Quotes: "When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse."

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.



George Carlin Quotes: "I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.



George Carlin Quotes: "Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?"

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?



George Carlin Quotes: "Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes."

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.



George Carlin Quotes: "I'm in shape. Round is a shape."

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.



George Carlin Quotes: "I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.



George Carlin Quotes: "The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election"

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election



George Carlin Quotes: "When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat."

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.



George Carlin Quotes: "Everyone smiles in the same language."

Everyone smiles in the same language.



George Carlin Quotes: "In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section."

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.



George Carlin Quotes: "There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan."

There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.