George Carlin Quotes

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck

A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.