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George Carlin Quotes

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George Carlin Quotes: "If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it."

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.




George Carlin Quotes: "The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions."

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.



George Carlin Quotes: "And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope."

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.



George Carlin Quotes: "There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.




George Carlin Quotes: "Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.



George Carlin Quotes: "I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share."

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.



George Carlin Quotes: "What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?




George Carlin Quotes: "You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble."

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.



George Carlin Quotes: "In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first."

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.



George Carlin Quotes: "If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.



George Carlin Quotes: "Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation."

Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation.



George Carlin Quotes: "Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?




George Carlin Quotes: "That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.



George Carlin Quotes: "Electricity is really just organized lightning."

Electricity is really just organized lightning.



George Carlin Quotes: "Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.



George Carlin Quotes: "A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed."

A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.



George Carlin Quotes: "I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better."

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.



George Carlin Quotes: "Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large."

Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.



George Carlin Quotes: "I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath."

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.



George Carlin Quotes: "Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.



George Carlin Quotes: "I think I am, therefore, I am... I think."

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.



George Carlin Quotes: "I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy."

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.



George Carlin Quotes: "Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.



George Carlin Quotes: "Electricity is really just organized lightning"

Electricity is really just organized lightning



George Carlin Quotes: "Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff."

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.



George Carlin Quotes: "I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show."

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.



George Carlin Quotes: "The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.



George Carlin Quotes: "Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.



George Carlin Quotes: "I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in."

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.



George Carlin Quotes: "How is it possible to have a civil war?"

How is it possible to have a civil war?



George Carlin Quotes: "Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be."

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.



George Carlin Quotes: "People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them."

People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.



George Carlin Quotes: "Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive."

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.



George Carlin Quotes: "If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?



George Carlin Quotes: "My advice: just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place."

My advice: just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.



George Carlin Quotes: "Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.



George Carlin Quotes: "How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.




George Carlin Quotes: "I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.



George Carlin Quotes: "There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords."

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.



George Carlin Quotes: "If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.



George Carlin Quotes: "Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?



George Carlin Quotes: "Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind."

Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.



George Carlin Quotes: "Meow” means “woof” in cat."

Meow” means “woof” in cat.



George Carlin Quotes: "Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes."

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.



George Carlin Quotes: "Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain."

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.



George Carlin Quotes: "Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money."

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.



George Carlin Quotes: "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.



George Carlin Quotes: "If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?"

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?