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Funny Humor Quotes

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Funny Humor Quotes: "I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.



Funny Humor Quotes: "She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off"

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off




Funny Humor Quotes: "Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away."

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.



Funny Humor Quotes: "I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.




Funny Humor Quotes: "Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?"

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?



Funny Humor Quotes: "If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock.""

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."



Funny Humor Quotes: "Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?"

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?




Funny Humor Quotes: "Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life."

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.



Funny Humor Quotes: "We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception."

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.



Funny Humor Quotes: "I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up."

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.



Funny Humor Quotes: "I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda."

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.



Funny Humor Quotes: "I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so."

I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.




Funny Humor Quotes: "The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible."

The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible.



Funny Humor Quotes: "Humor is the mask of wisdom."

Humor is the mask of wisdom.



Funny Humor Quotes: "Yes, about ten minutes."

Yes, about ten minutes.



Funny Humor Quotes: "There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal."

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.



Funny Humor Quotes: "If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you."

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.



Funny Humor Quotes: "I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned."

I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.



Funny Humor Quotes: "I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same."

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.



Funny Humor Quotes: "I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing."

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.



Funny Humor Quotes: "If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me."

If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.



Funny Humor Quotes: "I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand."

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.



Funny Humor Quotes: "When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'"

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'



Funny Humor Quotes: "The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery."

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.



Funny Humor Quotes: "The plural of spouse is spice."

The plural of spouse is spice.



Funny Humor Quotes: "I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close."

I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.



Funny Humor Quotes: "When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side."

When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side.



Funny Humor Quotes: "A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!""

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"



Funny Humor Quotes: "I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there."

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.



Funny Humor Quotes: "What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp."

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.



Funny Humor Quotes: "The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip."

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.



Funny Humor Quotes: "Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on."

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.



Funny Humor Quotes: "You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee."

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.



Funny Humor Quotes: "A dyslexic man walks into a bra."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.



Funny Humor Quotes: "Many come to bring their clothes to church rather than themselves."

Many come to bring their clothes to church rather than themselves.



Funny Humor Quotes: "The law is simply expediency wearing a long white dress."

The law is simply expediency wearing a long white dress.



Funny Humor Quotes: "Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!"

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!



Funny Humor Quotes: "At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless."

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.



Funny Humor Quotes: "You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up."

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.



Funny Humor Quotes: "Give the American people a good cause, and there's nothing they can't lick."

Give the American people a good cause, and there's nothing they can't lick.



Funny Humor Quotes: "I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.



Funny Humor Quotes: "I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint."

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.



Funny Humor Quotes: "(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?"

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?



Funny Humor Quotes: "In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy."

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.



Funny Humor Quotes: "She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history."

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.



Funny Humor Quotes: "I like to reminisce with people I don't know."

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.



Funny Humor Quotes: "All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand."

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.



Funny Humor Quotes: "If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?"

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?



Funny Humor Quotes: "If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?"

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?