Gracie Allen Quotes

Never place a period where God has placed a comma.

We favor putting Congress on a commission basis. Pay them for results. If they do a good job and the country prospers, they get 10% of the extra take.

This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances.

A friend asked her doctor if a woman should have children after thirty-five. I said, "Thirty-five children is enough for any woman.

This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them.

They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it.

I don't see what difference it makes what side it's [your bread] buttered on. I always eat both sides.

The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.

My mind works so fast. When I think of something I say it. Lots of times I say it even before I think of it.

A platform is something a candidate stands for and the voters fall for.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

I often put boiling water in the freezer. Then whenever I need boiling water,I simply defrost it.

My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine, too decent, too old.

Some people are amazed at my brain, but really it's nothing.

Classic Recipe for Roast Beef: 1 large Roast of beef 1 small Roast of beef Take the two roasts and put them in the oven. When the little one burns, the big one is done.

I read a book twice as fast as anybody else. First, I read the beginning, and then I read the ending, and then I start in the middle and read toward whatever end I like best.

Every man is born with the ability to do something well. This is what the Lord intended him to do. Using that ability - what life is all about.

I'm the candidate who forgot to take off her hat before she threw it in the ring.

Try to understand me. Nothing is impossible.

You've buttered your bread, now sleep in it.

Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer.

You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride ...? I wonder what I was blushing about?

The Senate is the only show in the world where the cash customers have to sit in the balcony.

I think there's so much good in the worst of us, and so many of the worst of us get the best of us, that the rest of us aren't even worth talking about.

A young boy shouldn't be given up for hopeless just because he's lazy, surly, and good for nothing. Don't be discouraged by those things - maybe he's just trying to be like his daddy.

Every politician must be able to keep both feet on the fence with his ear to the ground.

It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else.

Brains, integrity, and force may be all very well, but what you need today is Charm. Go ahead and work on your economic programs if you want to, I'll develop my radio personality.

As a well-known great man would have said if he had thought of it, "Don't go around offending people just because it can be done sitting down."

Cultivate friendships. If you don't have time to cultivate all of them, plow under every fifth one and collect your bonus.

When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she'd just make enough for 16 and only serve half.

It's a game everybody plays. If you see a man with a beard and holler "Beaver!" it's five points. And if you see a man with a moustache, it's onlI three points.

I left my car parked at the top of Lombard Street Hill, and I forgot to put the breaks on. It's the funniest thing. The car is running down the hill.