I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

Power is nothing unless you can turn it into influence.

Adversity sure does gives you trouble, but it keeps you humble.

I don't know how well I can fight, or run, or judge, but when the blade comes, I swear on whatever they want me to swear on, I'll stop it, with my body if nothing else.

It's hard for me to believe that people who read very little (or not at all in some cases) should presume to write and expect people to like what they have written.

New polls show that Obama is now pulling away from Mitt Romney. And, of course, what could be more natural than to see Mitt Romney and pull away?

There are two contrary impulses which govern this man's brain-the one sane, and the other eccentric. They alternate at regular intervals.

There's a lot of people I'd love to work with at some point, but I think the song has to be the right thing. It has to be the right fit.

I think Detroit would do real well if we started repopulating it with young, aspirational people.

My heart was simultaneously broken and filled with lust, I was exhausted, and I loved every minute of it. It was strange and elating to find myself for once the weaker.

I'm Irish!...When I feel well I feel better than anyone, when I am in pain I yell at the top of my lungs, and when I am dead I shall be deader than anybody.