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No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift.
An alcoholic is someone who can violate his standards faster than he can lower them.
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
Death is nature’s way of saying, ‘Your table is ready.
I used to think the worst thing in life is to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.
I write on big yellow legal pads - ideas in outline form when I'm doing stand-up and stuff. It's vivid that way. I can't type it into an iPad - I think that would put a filter into the process.
Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!'
The idea of having a steady job is appealing.
If Heaven exists, to know that there's laughter, that would be a great thing.
Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
There are no rules. Just follow your heart.
Smile my boy, it’s sunrise
I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.
My style is bad white-boy dancing. I can do swing a little bit, but nothing beyond that. My solo dancing is sad. I use my arms, badly.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.