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George Burns Quotes

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George Burns Quotes: "You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there."

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.




George Burns Quotes: "There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up."

There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.




George Burns Quotes: "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.



George Burns Quotes: "First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.




George Burns Quotes: "Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.



George Burns Quotes: "I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life."

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.



George Burns Quotes: "It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.




George Burns Quotes: "I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch."

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.



George Burns Quotes: "I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast."

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.



George Burns Quotes: "When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights."

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.



George Burns Quotes: "When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.



George Burns Quotes: "The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.




George Burns Quotes: "Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there."

Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.



George Burns Quotes: "You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old."

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.



George Burns Quotes: "I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody."

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.



George Burns Quotes: "If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age."

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.



George Burns Quotes: "And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"

And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'



George Burns Quotes: "If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it."

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.



George Burns Quotes: "Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.



George Burns Quotes: "Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.



George Burns Quotes: "Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size."

Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.



George Burns Quotes: "People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit."

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.



George Burns Quotes: "I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill."

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.



George Burns Quotes: "Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods."

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.



George Burns Quotes: "In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it."

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.



George Burns Quotes: "Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.



George Burns Quotes: "If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral."

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.



George Burns Quotes: "Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman ... or a bad woman."

Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman ... or a bad woman.



George Burns Quotes: "I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself."

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.



George Burns Quotes: "I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old."

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.



George Burns Quotes: "There's nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed."

There's nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.



George Burns Quotes: "I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it."

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.



George Burns Quotes: "Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle."

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.



George Burns Quotes: "When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out."

When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.



George Burns Quotes: "I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem."

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.



George Burns Quotes: "The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides."

The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides.



George Burns Quotes: "When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'"

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'



George Burns Quotes: "When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile."

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.



George Burns Quotes: "I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini."

I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.



George Burns Quotes: "I spent a year in that town, one Sunday."

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.



George Burns Quotes: "I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better."

I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.



George Burns Quotes: "I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere."

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.



George Burns Quotes: "With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink."

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.



George Burns Quotes: "I'd rather be over the hill than under it."

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.



George Burns Quotes: "By [age] 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver."

By [age] 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver.



George Burns Quotes: "I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke."

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.



George Burns Quotes: "Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too."

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.



George Burns Quotes: "Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang."

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.



George Burns Quotes: "It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair."

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.