Kristen Schaal Quotes

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

I would love for people to know that the label feminist is something that everyone should wear proudly, because it just means that you support women.

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

I think I've always had a disconnect from what I'm supposed to be like.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.

You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?

I would like to be known as someone who was really sweet but also knowledgeable in all areas of life.

I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually.

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

You're looking good today Bret. Very hot... hotter than Jemaine. You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set to be classically handsome.

Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.

I prefer writing for myself to perform, I guess. But if I had to choose, I'd rather perform in someone's movie than write a movie for someone else.

I'd hate to be a writer forever and never perform, and I'd hate to perform and not write. I get sad if time has passed and I haven't written or made anything. I'm an artist.

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!

All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground.

If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.

I'm so happy to be around people. I just really like people, and being a freelancer can be lonely during the day, when you're at home trying to write anything you can.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?