Bo Burnham Quotes

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

I saw a giraffe with a short neck That was sad Or a deer

If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?

People do complain about the way I act on stage... They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms.

Where are all the sour patch parents?

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.

The classic comedian says there's nothing that's taboo; if you laugh at one thing you've got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to dark areas and showing them the light.

We're having a traditional Thanksgiving - turkey, mashed potatoes, hat buckles, smallpox, genocide, a blue corn moon, etc.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in highschool.

Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f-king sense make.

I'm happy with what I'm doing. I try not to focus on how I've changed. I just try to focus on what I'm doing now.

Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.

Being strong is important. But knowing who you can count on is equally important

Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

If you can think of all the times in your life, some of the happiest times were probably when you were laughing. And some of the worst times in your life you were being laughed at.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn't respect that.

I like to call everyone that I find slightly annoying a 'sociopath.'

At the time of 'Words, Words, Words,' I'm a 19-year-old getting up feeling like he's entitled to do comedy and tell you what he thinks of the world, so that's inherently a little bit ridiculous.

The average person has one Fallopian tube.

Liberalism is the ideology of Western suicide.

I got a safe full of cherries 'cause I pop it and lock it.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

No one entertains the thought that maybe God does not believe in you.

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

My persona on stage was always coming from a place of I know better than you and I'm going to be a little bit pretentious in your face with these sort of crass ideas.

I think the love-hate is fundamental. Everyone hates reality television, and everyone's watching it. Everyone hates Facebook, and everyone is on it.

I have a pretty good math mind, so I can see patterns, but I don't have a great ear. It's like a tragedy - I can see so much more natural musical ability in so many other people.

Love is all about... whistles.

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?

The economic egalitarianism of the liberal ideology implies ... the reduction of Westerners to hunger and poverty.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me.

I always wanted to be a comedian and actor. I basically stumbled into the music medium, though. I'm OK, but that's about it. I like to think I'm good enough not to negatively affect the performance.

I've found nothing but support and generosity from older comics. I think comedians are a lot nicer than the stigma is, at least from my experience.

There's a certain line between jokes and music and poetry that's a bit blurred in my mind.

At once I feel that comedy is this amazing sort of transcendent thing, and I'm also open to the fact that maybe it's just an evolutionary hiccup, something that upright apes do in their free time.

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.

And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.

People ask me all the time, ALL the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, 'Bo, you're an artist... how do we fix Africa?'

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.