Humor Quotes

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

Happiness is a warm puppy.

Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.

Every one suspects himself of at least one of the cardinal virtues, and this is mine: I am one of the few honest people that I have ever known.

I don't trust anyone who doesn't laugh.

Laughter is carbonated holiness.

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Well, I'm about as tall as a shotgun, and just as noisy.

One of the things that binds us as a family is a shared sense of humor.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.

As long as we don't die, this is gonna be one hell of a story.

Golf is 20 percent mechanics and technique. The other 80 pecent is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness and conversation.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Humor is the truth; wit is an exaggeration of the truth.

Work hard, don't quit, be appreciative, be thankful, be grateful, be respectful, also to never whine ever, never complain, and, always, for crying out loud, keep a sense of humor.

Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it.

I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

Humor is such a strong weapon, such a strong answer. Women have to make jokes about themselves, laugh about themselves, because they have nothing to lose.

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.

I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.

I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth.

My life needs editing.

Mirrors should think longer before they reflect.

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise.

Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.