Humor Quotes

Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!

Curiouser and curiouser.

The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I admire my dogs.

I've always thought people would find a lot more pleasure in their routines if they burst into song at significant moments.

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

The early bird may get the worm, but its the second mouse that gets the cheese.

I find intelligence sexy. I find a sense of humor sexy. I find sensitivity sexy.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

Ridicule is generally made use of to laugh men out of virtue and good sense, by attacking everything praiseworthy in human life.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

A race track is a place where windows clean people.

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I’d be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.

Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Invisible things are the only realities.

Delaying death is one of my favorite hobbies

So Dobby stopped us from getting on the train and broke your arm. . . ." He shook his head. "You know what, Harry? If he doesn't stop trying to save your life he's going to kill you.

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?

I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.

I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!

Life is tough; and if you have the ability to laugh at it, you have the ability to enjoy it.

I have been accused of being a joker. But the most successful art to me involves humor.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Sometimes the only way to deal with horrific things in life is through a dark sense of humor.

Don't talk to me." "Why not?" "Because I want to fix that in my memory for ever. Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret.

Knowledge empowers people. If people know the rules, and are sensitized by art, humor, and creativity, they are much more likely to accept change.

Cancer is probably the most unfunny thing in the world, but I'm a comedian, and even cancer couldn't stop me from seeing the humor in what I went through.

Humor heals the heckler.

This crusade, this war on terrorism is going to take a while.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

And empty words are evil.

On their sofas of spice and feathers, the concubines also slept fretfully. In those days the Earth was still flat, and people dreamed often of falling over edges.

It is in the character of very few men to honor without envy a friend who has prospered.

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

There are any number of magical creatures, mostly female, whose singing can bring about horror and death. Sirens, undines, banshees, Bananarama tribute bands...

My best efforts were some modern things that looked like very lousy Matisses. Thank God I had the sense to realize they were lousy, and leave Paris.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished.