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Phyllis Diller Quotes

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Phyllis Diller Quotes: "A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.




Phyllis Diller Quotes: "If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough."

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.




Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight."

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best."

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.




Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public."

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.




Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out."

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot."

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type."

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo."

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.




Phyllis Diller Quotes: "My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual."

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate."

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge."

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane."

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead."

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going."

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run."

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him."

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody."

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?"

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron."

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks."

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out."

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know."

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "I never made 'Who's Who,' but I'm featured in 'What's That?'"

I never made 'Who's Who,' but I'm featured in 'What's That?'



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!"

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "You know you're old when your walker has an airbag."

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in."

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation."

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have."

Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like."

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core."

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along."

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day."

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear."

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered."

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan."

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake."

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children."

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant."

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "My father used to call me the laughing hyena."

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls."

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce."

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you."

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.