Phyllis Diller Quotes

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Cleaning your house while your children are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your fuckingXmas card

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.