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Phyllis Diller Quotes

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Phyllis Diller Quotes: "My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.




Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Our dog died from licking our wedding picture."

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing."

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.




Phyllis Diller Quotes: "A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Cleaning your house while your children are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."

Cleaning your house while your children are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?




Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing."

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane."

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual."

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out."

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do."

I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do.




Phyllis Diller Quotes: "It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge."

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out."

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves."

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up."

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them."

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?"

Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron."

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run."

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight."

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core."

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once."

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going."

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.



Phyllis Diller Quotes: "There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto."

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.