Phyllis Diller Quotes

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

I never made 'Who's Who,' but I'm featured in 'What's That?'

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.