I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Acknowledging your blessings makes them proliferate.

But if you were to die ten times for him, you would not alter his destiny in the slightest

When my mind plays tricks on me I can deal. But when my mind plays tricks on my mind I can not tell what's real

The mind's deepest desire, even in its most elaborate operations, parallels man's unconscious feeling in the face of his universe: it is an insistence upon familiarity, an appetite for clarity.

If they want you to cook the dinner, at least they ought to let you shop for some of the groceries.

bad writing's like bad women: there's just not much you can do about it

Fallen myths can instill venom.

Why must it be in human nature to hear one thing but to believe in another?" "Because we want things to get better," I said. "Otherwise we would all give up.

I don't wanna be that kind of guy that just sits there and announces things.

Because I was big, I didn't have to listen to anyone doubting me. I was just considered good at football or whatever, there were no questions about it.