Mort Sahl Quotes

My life needs editing.

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.

When Obama ran, he said, We can change the world! The world: can you change it back?!

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.

There's a danger our fiscal bankruptcy might overtake our moral bankruptcy.

Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.

The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.

One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.

That feeling of hopelessness only serves your masters.

A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet.

Now that Obama is at war in a 3rd country, does that mean he has to give back his Nobel Peace Prize?

This matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred.

If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you'll eventually be accused of treason.

I found people looked better when they laughed

I don't believe in good people and bad people. I believe in the better parts of people.

I'm for capital punishment. You've got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?

Obama says his recreation consists of reading the Constitution... looking for a loophole.

We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.

If anybody comes up to you and says, My kid is a conservative - why is that? you say, Remember in the 60′s when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?

I went to computer class with my Dell and I was bullied by a guy with a Mac.

You haven't lived until you've died in California

We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.

The New York Times is the official leak of the State Department.

Hillary's explanation of the Libyan action to Congress was so good, I wonder who explained it to her?

If you can't join them, beat them.

The bravest thing that men do is love women.

I watched Ken Burns' Civil War series on PBS. My favorite segment is when Bob Hope entertains the troops at Gettysburg.

I took benzedrine - I got clairvoyance. With benzedrine you can have a very wide view of the world, like you can decide the destiny of man and other pressing problems, such as which is the left sock?

You know me, I love lost causes.

Obama said he went to Libya because of his conscience. Did anyone ever wrestle with his conscience and lose?

Those who the gods would make rich and famous on TV, they first drive mad.

I'm not a liberal, I'm a radical!

Everything I tell you is true, but this is factual.

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas - except the drone.

New book on Malcolm X says we don't know how he was killed. Want to bring in the FBI. Maybe they were in already.

I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.

Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.

Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.

Every time the Russians throw an American in jail, the Committee throws an American in jail to get even.

Remember when movies were just good or bad, before auteurs, film festivals, and guys from USC who were the first to shoot underwater?

you don't know what you think unless you say it.

There are Russian spies here now. And if we're lucky, they'll steal some of our secrets and they'll be two years behind.

A conservative doesn't want anything to happen for the first time; a liberal feels it should happen, but not now.

I made the mistake early in my career, when I moved to Hollywood, of being attracted to actresses. I used to go out exclusively with actresses and other female impersonators.

The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.

The distance between taking social action and having the knowledge is as wide as the mouth of the Mississippi.

Television is never more false than when it's openly sincere.