Humor Quotes

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

No means yes in grasshopper language.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

What is this life if, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I don't like lollipops.

Just about a month from now I'm set adrift, with a diploma for a sail and lots of nerve for oars.

If we don't have a sense of humor, we lack a sense of perspective

It's best if you can do things with a sense of humor and finesse.

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.

Never moon a werewolf.

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

You haven't got a letter on yours," George observed. "I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid-we know we're called Gred and Forge.

I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I have something that I call my Golden Rule. It goes something like this: 'Do unto others twenty-five percent better than you expect them to do unto you.' … The twenty-five percent is for error.

Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march.

When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

Why are you worrying about YOU-KNOW-WHO, when you should be worrying about YOU-NO-POO? The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

The purpose of morality is to teach you, not to suffer and die, but to enjoy yourself and live.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

There are always some lunatics about. It would be a dull world without them.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Nothing in the universe can travel at the speed of light, they say, forgetful of the shadow's speed.

If something is going to happen to me, I want to be there.

There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns...and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)

A sense of humor is just common sense dancing.

A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool who knows what he is talking about.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

In the end, everything is a gag.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Circumstance has no value. It is how one relates to the situation that has value. All the meaning resides in the personal relationship to a phenomenon, what it means to you.

She was everything I wanted. She was beautiful and charming, with a quick sense of humor, and she supported me in everything I did.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

I see light at the end of the tunnel.

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.